Excessive Awareness

I think they should rename Attention Deficit to something more suitable like Excessive Awareness. After all, I don’t notice that I am lacking in anything, but rather I seem to notice way too many things and that’s why I can’t focus. Of course, maybe I’m the only one who thinks of stuff like that. At any rate, I have realized some key things about how I am different from most people. First, I am not a leader blazing new trails for others to follow. Secondly, I don’t really follow or wait for others to show me the way. Finally, I am more an explorer curiously traversing through life guided only by my attention-starved brain anxiously searching for this place they call “normal.” My findings have taught me some crucial lessons:

1. Life in my universe is different and that’s OK.
2. Others don’t necessary “see” the frazzled part of me that I see.
3. Therapy is a good thing.
4. Write down your goals or you will forget what they are.
5. Make a map of how you are going to meet your goals and refer to it often making smaller sub-lists daily/weekly/monthly to ensure you’re going the right way.

In the end I’ve realized that life with or without attention deficit is much like a vacation in that it’s not the destination itself that matters, but what you see and do along the way that counts.

Phase 1: Accepting that life is different in your universe.
Anyone with a physical or emotional disability can tell you life is vary different and often more challenging. Take an 18-year old boy who has survived a life-threatening car crash and is confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Others not knowing exactly what to say to him in such a situation might say, “You’re so lucky to be alive.” Maybe he would agree and maybe he wouldn’t. But, one thing’s for sure, life for him will be much different than most. No, he likely doesn’t want pity, but he doesn’t want to be ignored or shoved in a corner and forgotten about either. He wants the same opportunities as everyone else has in life like taking airplane rides, falling in love, having a family, and so on. Initially he may feel cheated out of these things when really he just needs to revise his plan for meeting those goals.

Having a psychological disability like attention deficit or anxiety disorder similarly limits one’s path in life both in physical and intellectual ways. Although my disabilities are mental and not physical, I am encumbered by my brain's habitual thoughts and impulses nonetheless.

Phase 2: See yourself from a different point of view.
Like Alice in Wonderland, I’ve always wanted to go through the looking glass and see the world in a very different way. Well, I have learned you can do this but it takes a bit of training to get your mind to see things differently.

Phase 3: Therapists, Psychologists, and Head-Shrinkers, Oh My!
Most people in my family know I’ve had lots of therapy in my life, but if you were to ask them their opinion of therapy, they’d likely say it’s been great for me, but they personally like to solve their own problems. Well, the truth is therapy has many uses and can be just as healthy as dieting and exercise. Think of it as a kind of a "life coach" helping you meet your goals by dealing with your emotional baggage.

Phase 4: Make a plan and write it down.
Research has shown people remember things better if they write them down. Successful people often talk of writing down and reviewing their goals and updating the list as they make accomplishments. Goals don’t just have to be for careers either; they’re great for personal needs and improving your emotional wellbeing too.

Phase 5: If you want to get where you’re going, you’ll need a map.
Another trait of successful people is not only their planning skills, but also their ability to execute on their plans. To this execution is like a road map to show you how to navigate from your current location in your life to desired destination (e.g., overcome a phobia, advance your education, move along that coveted career path, improve your body with physical exercise, and ultimately feed your soul by achieving your dreams).

My own personal road map includes a travel accommodation I need for my claustrophobic condition where I always book airline reservations online so I can pick the aisle seat I want to feel less anxious. I know I’ll never be at ease in close quarters, but I’m not beyond asking someone “accidentally” sitting in my reserved aisle seat to move. Because I am uncomfortable making such requests, I often turn the situation into a joke on myself to lighten the air a bit. One time I even asked a person to move because, “I’m claustrophobic and the stewardess’ hate it when I wander around the plane during takeoff.” The person just smiled and said “sure thing” and closed his laptop and kindly moved over.

Spring Fever

I am ready for spring with its green grass, flower buds peaking from the ground, sunshine and warm afternoons. Here in Iowa, it’s still a bit early to start flower seeds indoors, but a couple of weeks ago I planted a pot of cosmos anyway and situated it on a south-facing windowsill. They give me hope spring will return even if the outlook is grim now. I couldn’t resist picking up a couple of seed packets at the local farm store recently grabbing one giant, double zinnias and some moss roses. The seeds remain in their packets on my desk promising that within a few weeks, the snow will melt and spring will begin to blossom.

Thoughts of spring remind me that this year’s abundant snowfall, undoubtedly, will make for wet ground conditions. Although we have some pasture in a “flood zone,” most of our ground is high enough to avoid any chance of flooding. However, soggy ground could put my much-anticipated spring-flowering bulbs at risk. I guess this year we’ll really find out how good our drainage patterns and systems are around here!

Lately I’ve been reading more and more about global warming’s impact on the USDA hardiness zone map. For my garden, this means I’m now a zone 5 instead of the zone 4/5 from 10 years ago. The difference from my point of view is minimal as I will likely continue planting the same things, but weather patterns like Él Niño make me wonder if things are changing more rapidly than experts can document. While it’s true every garden is different from one year to the next, I suspect my gardening methods need an overhaul to keep pace with the rapidly shifting climate.

Even though I inherited the original garden that came with the farm when we purchased it eight years ago, I have labored to expand and enhance its beauty and consider it my own creation. My “methods” are nothing more than a series of experiments to determine what works and what I like. My philosophy is that if I don’t like something or it isn’t thriving, I dig it up and try it somewhere else. The results are usually better transplanting an existing plant than bringing in a new one grown in a greenhouse (and much more economical).

Whatever the weather brings, my garden and I will work it out together just as we’ve done for the past eight years. I used to think I would get to a point with this particular hobby where I could shift into maintenance mode and coast along easily performing the necessary tasks each season. The trouble is, the tasks vary from year to year, and the process is never really the same twice. Perhaps that’s the real allure of gardening: not knowing what you will get in the end.

King of the Hill

Knowing chores come first, our boys trudge through the mountains of snow to help daddy put in a couple of large, round bales for the cattle. Their main job is to open the gate, remove the mesh netting from the bales, and then close the gate. They eagerly rush through the job with hopes of going sledding afterwards.

My husband recently started using the backhoe to move the hay bales since its large arm is more effective than the 3-point bale fork on the back of the Allis Chalmers WD tractor. With the backhoe being a relatively recent purchase for us, we have not gotten accustomed to using it as the tool of choice until lately, but this year’s extreme winter has reminded us that the larger tractor was obviously a crucial purchase for our farm.

With the bale job finished, dad moves to clearing the snow from the lane. In years past, the skid loader has worked well for this task, but it just doesn’t have the bucket capacity we need this season. As the boys wait for dad to finish clearing the lane, a game of King of the Hill has broken out atop the large piles of snow in front. Each one takes their turn at the top until they are sent tumbling down the side.

A slight pause occurs as one of the boys fusses with a bloody nose (no doubt from rough play). He refuses to rest on the front porch instead preferring to nurse the wound with a wad of paper towels standing by the others. As the cold helps the blood clot, I see him shove the paper towels in a coat pocket while charging back up the snow hill. Eventually, he treks inside for more paper towels, some dry gloves, and a sky mask. As I helped him tuck in the gloves under his coat sleeves, I felt like a boxing manager cleaning up a fighter between rounds. With a cotton-packed nose beneath his sky mask, he was off for another sparring match.

Later the boys got their wish as dad took them for a ride around the farm pulling their sleds behind the WD as they took turns being dumped and then running to hop back on their sleds. It is true that the simple pleasures are the best ones because they’re pure joy unencumbered by technology glitches. At times, I wonder if they have more fun doing the sledding or my husband driving or me watching the whole scene waiting inside with hot cocoa and camera in-hand. Either way, the scene is truly memorable for us all and keeps cabin fever at bay for a while. The radio promises another snowstorm tomorrow, but at least today is a sunny, leisurely Sunday afternoon on our snow-filled farm.

Wow snow!

Snow, snow, snow, storm warning, snow, snow, snow, blizzard conditions, snow, snow, snow… this routine has become a permanent predicament as mounds and drifts growing higher with each passing week here in Iowa. Although our cattle appear undaunted by the weather, I suspect they, too, are frustrated by the icy temperatures and arctic winds. “Snow days” have become typical with school delays and cancellations interrupting class schedules so much that we have yet to see a full week of school this semester.

You’d think Midwesterners (myself included) would be acclimated to frequent winter storms, but survival instincts do strange things to people when the forecast turns grim. Simple chores like grocery shopping become grueling as consumers become beasts hunting for food to fill their carts. How much bread and milk do we really need to get through a two-day shut-in?

Years of mild winters have spoiled us and it was inevitable that the pendulum would swing the other way. As a country gal, I have to confess that I often find myself jealous of city dwellers this time of year with their densely spaced buildings to shelter them from the wind and cold. After all, driving home in blizzard conditions is considerably different on a country road versus a city street…and having a sport utility vehicle is not an extravagance out here.

Our dog, Lucky, has even acquired a split personality lately “shivering” outside our sliding glass doors one minute (hoping to get let inside) and romping playfully in the snow the next eating mouthfuls of snow. He’s a blue heeler/husky mix, so I suspect he comes by these traits naturally. We do let him sleep indoors on frigid nights; he likes bunking with my oldest son in his large bed with ample room to stretch out.

Admittedly, a snow-covered vista is a beauty to behold on snowy and sunny days alike. The cold feeling disappears quickly once I get working outdoors scooping snow, putting hay in for the cattle, or pulling the boys on their sleds with the tractor. Filling the bird feeders becomes crucial for my feathered friends’ survival and bulk birdseed has become a staple for me along with 50-pound bags of dog and cat food. Lately, though, I’ve noticed the birds aren’t the only ones sneaking a bite out of my feeders. Squirrels have been raiding my flat, open feeders that I put out for the larger birds like cardinals and blue jays. Usually our blue heeler, Lucky, chases the squirrels off but I think the cold and deep snow have slowed his stamina much like they've reduced mine to a crawl.

Thank heavens for readily available coffee stands and travel mugs to keep me warm on my regular winter treks to town. I’m not sure I could survive this treachery if it weren’t for some formidable ally on my side. My husband has even taken to coffee, which is quite a novelty for him not being a coffee drinker. One can’t help but recall winter childhood memories during winters like this rare one. I can’t decide if the snowfalls were more plentiful then or if I was just smaller and they seemed like mountains of snow at the end of our driveway. Who doesn’t remember tunneling through snow, snowball fights, and sledding down big hills. Maybe the only real difference is that now I really feel the cold while childhood must insultate you or perhaps we were so active, we never noticed.

Wrangling Chaos: ADHD for Dummies

• Are you pulling your hair out trying to handle a spirited child or family member?
  
• Are you constantly struggling with daycare for a child whose body is always in overdrive?
  
• Are you overwhelmed by family gatherings filled with chaos and emotionally charged conversation? Are you searching for help and guidance written in plain language written by a person just like you?

If so, you have come to the right place! Our home is no stranger to chaos with 3 out of 5 people having attention deficit (ADD and AD/HD) as well as a long family history of hyperactivity and attention deficit. After years of doctors, therapy, and self-help books, I have found the following basic tips may be helpful for others struggling with similar situations.

1. Find Help – Finding a good doctor or clinic whose primary focus is children with behavior and attention deficit issues is ideal Travel to a neighboring community, if needed, and use the phone or email for questions between visits.
   
   Resource: CHADD – Children and Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder - Founded in 1987 in response to the frustration and isolation experienced by parents and their children with AD/HD, CHADD is the nation’s leading non-profit organization serving individuals with AD/HD and their families offering support for individuals, parents, teachers, professionals, and others. www.chadd.org
   
   For online help in locating a physician in your area that diagnoses/treats ADD/ADHD, visit: http://www.help4adhd.org/en/treatment/prof.
   
   
2. Clear the Clutter – Every day do a sweep of your home, car, and office/desk to put things in their place. Clutter is extremely distracting, so put stuff away every time whenever possible. Encourage kids to store everyday items like shoes and backpacks in the same place so they can easily find them the next time. Have kids keep their room or personal area(s) picked up each day (set a regular time like after dinner or before bed). Check their work and politely point out problem areas, then re-check again. When they complete the task successfully, praise them or offer a special privilege (like 10 extra minutes of time before lights out).
   
   Insider’s Tip: Don’t leave piles of paper and unopened mail on your desk to sort through later. Use the RAFT method to keep your paperwork/mail in check: get four bins or boxes and label them: READ, ACT, FILE, and TRASH.
   
   READ – for materials to review as time allows like magazines.
   ACT – for items requiring you to do something like insurance forms.
   FILE – for reference materials you want to keep on hand like quarterly investment statements.
   TRASH – for unwanted paperwork containing personal information (like credit card offers) that you need to shred or destroy.
   
   Use the bins to sort your mail and papers daily – be diligent about doing it every day – then clean the bins out weekly. Taking a little time each day saves you lots of time months later when you have to find something or sort through the mountain of papers.
   
   Resource: Organizing Solutions for People With Attention Deficit Disorder: Tips and Tools to Help You Take Charge of Your Life and Get Organized written by Susan Pinsky (printed by Fair Winds Press (December 1, 2006).
   
   
3. Embrace Consistency – Consistent schedules and routines are comforting so try to maintain the same morning, dinner, and bedtime schedule especially during busy weekdays.
   
   Insider’s Tips:
   Post a Family Calendar in a common area like the kitchen (a fridge or pantry door works well). This keeps everyone up to date and lets family members to communicate their individual schedules.
   
   Create family rituals to keep hectic lives in sync. Eating breakfast/dinner together or having a weekly game/ movie night lets family members know when they can count on being together.
   
   Resources:
   The ADHD Book of Lists: A Practical Guide for Helping Children and Teens with Attention Deficit Disorders by Sandra F., M.A. Rief (printed by Jossey-Bass (April 10, 2003).
   
   Keys to Parenting a Child with Attention Deficit Disorder written by Barry E. McNamara Ed.D. and Francine J. McNamara M.S.W. C.S.W. (printed by Barron's Educational Series, 2 edition, August 1, 2000).
   
   Everyday Opportunities for Extraordinary Parenting: Simple Ways to Make a Difference in Your Child's Life written by Bobbi Conner (printed by Sourcebooks; Revised edition (February 2001).
   
   
4. Know When To Say When –Too much at once is overwhelming, so balance new/challenging activities across several days if you can. Preparing for new things or changes in advance can help ease fear and worry.
   
   Resources:
   Driven to Distraction written by E. Hallowell and J. Ratey (printed by: Pantheon Books, 1994, New York).
   
   Delivered from Distraction: Getting the Most out of Life with Attention Deficit Disorder written by E. Hallowell and J. Ratey (printed by: Ballantine Books, December 27, 2005).
   
   When Too Much Isn’t Enough by Wendy Richardson, MA (printed 2005 by Piñon Press). Good discussion and ideas for learning to identify limitations and to structure your day/life to be more successful and fulfilling.
   
   
5. Tell Them About It – There are energic kids and there are attention deficit kids on overdrive who are impulsive and easily bored. Help your child understand their impulses and behaviors by talking things through with them especially when they have done something inappropriate so they can begin to understand what makes them tick. To keep children from feeling singled out for chronic behavior problems, try having a family discussion once/week (dinner is a good time) to talk about things each person likes and dislikes about themselves or each other to better appreciate each person’s unique qualities. For example, if you are not a morning person, let others know you prefer to tackle big things in the afternoons because that’s when your brain works best.
   
   Resources for Kids/Teens:
   Otto Learns about his Medication (for young children) written by M. Galvin (printed by Magination Press, 1988, New York).
   Shelly the Hyperactive Turtle (for young children) written by: D. Moss (printed by Woodbine House, 1989, Rockville, MD).
   
   Learning to Slow Down and Pay Attention written by K. Nadeau. and E. Dixon (printed by Chesapeake Psychological Pubs., 1993, Annandale, VA).
   
   Making the Grade: An Adolescent's Struggle with ADD written by R. Parker (printed by Impact Pubs., 1992, Plantation, FL).
   
   ADD and the College Student: A Guide for High School and College Students With Attention Deficit Disorder edited by Patricia O. Quinn (printed by the American Psychological Assn January 2001).
   
   
6. Disable Distractions – When working or doing homework, turn off the television, radio, cell phone, etc. This allows you and/or your child to work uninterrupted. Working on a clean desk with nothing but the essential items and facing a blank wall works better if you find yourself having trouble concentrating.
   
   Insider’s Tip: Each person’s work habits are different. One person may require complete silence to do their homework, while another may like to chew gum or hum while working. To limit interference between several children doing homework at the same time, have each one do their homework in a different room (living room coffee table, kitchen table, bedroom desk).
   
   Resource: Fidget to Focus (Outwit Your Boredom: Sensory Strategies for Living with ADD) by Roland Rotz, Ph.D. and Sarah D. Writer M.S., A.C.T (printed 2005 by iUniverse, Inc.). Great strategy book with self-help workbook.
   
   
7. Spread the Good Word – Too much negative talk makes people feel worthless or “bad,” so try to say at least one good thing for every constructive/corrective statement to balance things out. Use positive self talk to remind yourself of the good things in your life or that you've done to give yourself a pat on the back too!
   
   Insider’s Tip: Make a big deal out of saying Thank You to emphasize the positive whenever possible like saying, “Thank You so much, Brian, for taking out the trash tonight!”. If you have trouble finding good things to say, try starting with, “Good morning, sunshine!” or, “Good night, sunshine!”
   
   Resources:
   The Gift of ADHD: How to Transform Your Child’s Problems into Strengths by Lara Honos-Webb, Ph.D. (Printed 2005 by New Harbinger Publications, Inc.). Excellent reading for helping yourself, a spouse, a child, or friend with techniques for reframing your ideas about ADD and its impacts.
   
   Managing the Gift : Alternative Approaches for Attention Deficit Disorder written by Dr. Kevin Ross Emery (printed by Lightlines Publishing (September 2000).
   
   
8. Interview Child Care Providers with Care – Make sure the caregiver you are considering knows your child needs lots of structure, routine, and activities suited for active children. There's no point in pretending your child is an angel who will not be a problem especially if you have had issues with daycare providers in the past. It is better to keep looking and find the right place than to keep shuffling a child from one environment to another.
   
   Insider’s Tip: Visit potential caregivers during regular hours to see things in action or schedule a short trial period. Find a caregiver with children the same sex/age as your child to ensure your child is not a loner (which could lead to problem behavior due to boredom).
   
   Resources:
   Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (printed by HarperCollins Publishers 1991). This is a great book especially for parents with young children who are always “on the go” regardless of whether or not your child has been diagnosed with ADD or not.
   
   I Can't Sit Still: Educating and Affirming Inattentive and Hyperactive Children - Suggestions for Parents, Teachers, and Other Care Providers of Children to Age 10 by D. Johnson (printed by: ETR Associates, 1992, Santa Cruz, CA).

The Joy of Nothing

I’m one of those people who never knew what was around the next corner. I love finding new opportunities with the excitement and challenges they present. As for goals, my only real life-long goal I can remember is to make enough money to balance my checkbook and enjoy life. OK, so I won’t be a multi-billionaire with a goal like this, but I’m comfortable with that.

So now, I’m middle-aged, college educated, mother of three boys, wife, gardener, and writer. I exercise, worry about loosing 20 pounds, fuss over my children’s homework and messy penmanship, and can never seem to get caught up with the laundry. From what I observe, this is quite typical, but lately I feel this secret building inside me. I think it is contentment (you know, happiness), but I’m not complete sure. I don’t mean that “I had a good/great day” type of feeling. I mean the underlying element of your persona you carry around with you every day. The part you can’t fix with a chocolate bar, monster session at the gym, or trip to the mall. So I’m wondering, how do you measure contentment?

I used to believe I would be thrilled to achieve my life milestones like graduating college, getting married, buying a home, and having kids. These things are gratifying, but they are often replaced by other ambitions like going back to school to get my MBA, writing a wonderful and witty best-selling book, and raising my children well. For a long time my ambitions just hung around in the basement of my mind asking me when I was going to working on that book or if I would ever start those MBA classes. Then recently I gave myself permission to tangibly pursue those dreams or mentally wash them down the drain. Hanging onto things I can never find the time to do might mean I don’t really want to do them after all. I realized my life’s goals are not short-term items on a checklist. They are elements of my life that I have to work for and develop every day of my life.

So, I made a list of my life goals. Then I revised it and started tracking my progress. Then I found myself jotting down ways to work even harder on achieving or maintaining them on a daily basis. I started setting up real milestones for myself like living healthier, taking time out everyday to enjoy fun things with my kids, and helping my husband achieve his goals. These things help me appreciate that the best things in life are free like smiles, laughter, sharing, hugging, learning, working together, playing, and singing. After all, a trip to the mall doesn’t really make you happier. It takes your mind off your troubles for a while, but when you get home with those new pair of killer jeans, your soul hasn’t benefited from the experience. You may look great to everyone else, but how do you look at yourself?

And so, I’m back to how to measure contentment? Is it the point at which you want for nothing? Can we only get brief glimpses of it at a time or can we sit down and stay for a while? For me contentment is a strange but wonderful experience. Strange because so much of my life I’ve felt uneasy because I hadn’t achieved what I’d wanted to in life. But, I found I was really measuring things rather than feelings. The temporary benefits of things wear off quickly, whereas feelings are permanent, emotional memories we carry with us to re-experience whenever we like. We often think of children as the epitome of contentment, but I’m sure they don’t worry about goals and progress – they are just happy. Children enjoy each day and moment in a way adults seem to loose sight of as time goes by. The more and more content I feel, the more wonderful and appreciative I am of my life in the universe. I find myself floating on air and never wanting to return to the dark side where pessimism and anxiety drown out everything else.

Perhaps my extended bouts of happiness are the result of my choosing the things I want to do each day rather than aimlessly wandering from one expected duty to another. My true inner goals and needs are clear to me and staying true to them is crucial. If an activity arises that doesn’t help me to stay true to my inner goals, I must find a way to decline or choose another, more suiting activity. This analysis doesn’t take more than a fraction of a second. It is very empowering, fulfilling, and glorifying.

Then I wonder, why now? What’s different? The answer is many things, and yet not much. Perspective is the key, I suppose. If every second of every day we can love our bodies, believe in our spirit, and nurture our soul, then we will know the joy of wanting for nothing.